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HOW TO GET OFF THE PHONE
There are electronic boxes you can buy now that require anyone calling you to punch in a code before the phone can ring on your end. Since you are the person who dispenses the code, who controls the code, who is the keeper of the code, no person can call you unless you want that person to call you. (This isn't too helpful if your Aunt Matilda can't remember the code, however.)
Few people want or need such a high level of unreachability. But if you value your privacy and/or don't enjoy being put on the spot about why you don't want to switch your long-distance service or contribute to the Policeman's Ball or whichever, there is much you can do to minimize your air time with importunate strangers. In addition to having an unlisted number, that is. (Your home phone number is unlisted, right? And you don't give it out to anybody but the people you want to have it, right?) You can get caller ID too, of course, but that spoils all the fun; and also, maybe some of the people that you do want to call you will not call you unless they can block their number from being identified by your little caller ID gizmo. You are not the only person who is paranoid about privacy.
Strategy One: Wait. This is the simplest method and it works perfectly every time. When you answer the phone, instead of saying "Hello," just wait. After a few seconds your caller will stammer, "Uh...hello?" If you recognize the voice, say, "Oh hello, how are you?" If it's somebody else, just hang up.
If you want to know who is calling you, after the person says "Uh, hello," you say, "Who's this?" (This puts the caller on the defensive!) If the caller answers "IRS" or "Electrolux," you say, "Oh sorry, I seem to have the wrong number" (as if you were the one who called, see), and hang up. Then contact the phone company and get your number changed.
Strategy Two: Play Dumb. Answer the phone as you would regularly. The telemarketer will launch into some kind of spiel, concluding with a question about something that is none of his business. Then you say, "I'm sorry, for whom are you calling?" Then the telemarketer will say, "Um, the man of the house/the lady of the house." Then you say, "There's nobody here by that name," and hang up. Or scream "Rape! Rape!" and then hang up.
Strategy Three: Decline Politely. Let the telemarketer or Policeman's Ball representative say whatever he is going to say. Then, when the first pause arrives, you say, "Sorry, not interested." Any civil and decent telemarketer will interpret that statement as an exit cue, obliging him to now say something like, "Good enough, sir. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day," or words to that effect, and get off the phone.
However, this would be a deviation from the standard script. Most telemarketers just barrel along obliviously, as if you had not in fact told them you were not interested. This is because they have been specially trained to operate according to the law of percentages that dictates that point oh one percent of all persons who say they are not interested will eventually buy anyway if you just keep pestering them.
So, if it's somebody from Verizon or Bell trying to sell you broadband Internet access and you say, "Not interested," Career-Path Telemarketer Guy might then say, "Well, do you own a computer?" (See, maybe you forgot you own a computer.)
At this point, what you want to say is absolutely nothing. Sustain that mode for about 37 seconds, at which juncture the telemarketer will say, "Uh...sir, sir, are you still there? Hello? Hello?" Wait three more seconds. Then, in your chilliest tone: "We seem to be having some sort of communication problem. I distinctly remember saying that I was not interested."
If Telemarketer Boy persists beyond this point, he's good, damn good. But another five minutes of imperturbable silence on your part should cure him.
How to Be Invisible, J.J. Luna. Advice from a man who had to learn to be invisible in Franco's Spain. GET IT
--David M. Brown, 5/28/2002
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