|
|
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
daily FLASH UPDATE: Click into the home page for the latest scoop [go to UPDATE] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
STAR WARS EPISODE III: THE VENOM OF VADER
In this, the third of the "Star Wars" prequels, young Annie-kin Skyjogger yields utterly to the Dark Side of the Farce to emerge fully and foully as the malignant heavy-breather that we knew and loved and lost so horribly at the end of "Episode VI: Return of the Sentimental Ewok Christmas Toy Preview."
With "Episode II: Send in the Clones" now jetting into theaters faster than a speeding parsec, few as yet have any inkling of the final un-wending of the Vader plot trajectory that is slated for "Episode III" and "Episode III Appendix A." The Crunch Report was able to view an early cut of the 2005 release only by promising not to reveal anything about its contents.
So anyway, what everybody will be wanting to know is: Hey, what happened to Vader's skull such that he's got to wear that damned hood all the time?
Turns out Vader, secretly gay, has a congenital breathing problem caused by warped midichloritidditifartons, the genetic permutations that allow certain gifted beings to tap into the Farce if they get the proper training. (Finally some solid science to explain all this!)
This breathing problem grows worse and worse the more you are drawn to the Dark Side. And then, when the back of Lord Vader's head is accidentally dipped into a vat of hydrochloric acid during a game of Crazy Eights between Vader and C3reepio--well, let's just say that for aesthetic reasons it is better to wear the hood than not wear the hood.
But get this, also turns out that, using Borg nano-probes, the cranium-cloaking gizmo infuses oxygen directly into the bloodstream anyway. So all the labored ominous breathing that is the trademark of the fully costumed Slith Lord is in fact superfluous--another shocker from Lucas! Whoa, stop with all the unexpected imaginative flourishes already!
And this is just a taste of the back-story that will be unloaded on you when you go to see this movie! See, the "scary heavy breathing effect" is standard feature with all hoods of this make and model, thanks to an obscure clause in a politically pivotal trade agreement between the hood-making Flip-Flurps of Planet Oo-koo-choo and the stentorian intestine-shaped Microchip-Manufacturers of the Doop-de-Doop System. That is just the way the political situation is, and, as a result, all who wear the Vader Hood must accept the incorporated sound effects. This is one of the main reasons, we further learn, that Darth wants to conquer the Galaxy: to put an end to that darn trade agreement once and for all and to empower a new hood-making alliance.
Meanwhile, O-be-one Kin-oh-be If-yoo-be-I-be, who made the worst mistake of his career when he tutored Vader in the ways of the Farce in direct defiance of the sage, vague and uncertain admonitions of a crinkled muppet, now really does resemble Alec Guinness and kidnaps the babies born of a pragmatic union between Darth Vader and Queen Dween of Dantooine that had secured another trade agreement so as to foster the production of regalia and jackboots to go with the hood. The Emperor helps him in this. Also during this episode, Vader learns to strangle people from a distance.
And who would have guessed that O-be-one and Annie-kin would turn out to be cousins thrice removed? And that their great-great-great-grandfather is none other than little Master Yodel?
As for the kidnapped babies--wouldja believe it--they are themselves destined to intersect with the Farce, so that Oh-be-one has little choice but to do what he can to protect them from Vader's iniquitous influence. Vader knows nothing of his progeny, though he did sense some kind of mysterious...twang...in the Dark Side in the moment of orgasm. All he knows for sure is that he had rough intercourse with Queen Dween, that suddenly she grew very big, and then just as suddenly she had to stop seeing him because she had to see about a tariff in one of the many trade agreements that bind and permeate the Galaxy--think a Galaxy-sized NAFTA or a Galaxy-sized European Union.
"I'll get you, Oh-be-one!" intones a now-sepulchral Darth in the penultimate scene of this swashbuckling epic. "I who was the pupil am now the master--the master of disaster, that is!"
Meanwhile, the Jetty Knights are repelled by the Empire--as who wouldn’t be?--and recede in frantic retreat. All that is left of them is a little rump rebellion on a planet here, a planet there. A brave new order descends upon the Galaxy. Darth will spend the next twenty years or so consolidating his grip.
All poor Oh-be-one can do is shake his head, escape to a dustbowl of a planet on the galactic outskirts, and change his first name to Ben so that Mr. Vader will never but never ever be able to find him. He also gets a fake passport.
The Real Lincoln: A New Look at Abraham Lincoln, His Agenda, and an Unnecessary War, Thomas J. DiLorenzo. Was Lincoln the Darth Vader of his day? GET IT
--David M. Brown, 5/23/2002
|
Want to be notified when new articles are posted? Send us email saying "subscribe me." Editor: DAVID M. BROWN HTML-master: ERIC D. DIXON Proofreader: ELAINE K. ORTIZ | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||